How Do You Say What You Got To Say - Part 2

After writing the first part I thought about a situation I was in a few years ago. I ran into an ex-love through the Internet and we re-established a friendly relationship. Currently, I am in a relationship that has fallen apart and it is only a matter of time before things are final (I have to sell my house because neither one can pay off the other at this time). She (my ex-love) was currently split from her husband of many years. Several years ago he had cheated on her and she kicked him out.

We restarted our friendship as we communicated with email and with a couple of visits (she lives in another state near my parents, so my periodic visits to my parents puts me in the neighborhood) and our friendship moved along. Even through we had not moved into a romantic relationship, her husband found out I was around and that she had seen me. He knew my name because I was her first love, and she mine. This put a further strain on what was left of their current relationship, especially with the kids (they were being parents, not husband and wife). He wanted her back as his wife and she really wanted the family back together. My being in the picture sparked him to change into the man and Dad she wanted for her and her kids. After a while she decided she wanted to stay with him.

Regardless that her relationship with her husband was improving, she wanted me to remain friends with her, and this is where the dilemma appeared. They are trying to rebuild their relationship but neither person trusts the other. Their relationship will take time to heal. If I remained her friend and continued to communicate with her, which is something I would like to do, and he found out about us remaining friends, this would destroy his trust in her and further damage the fragile relationship they both are trying so hard to rebuild. If I was in his shoes, and if my wife was communicating with an ex-flame even only as friends, and she was keeping it hidden from me, I would be pissed, at least. I would quickly loose what trust I had in that relationship.

So, I made this decision. I would like to remain friends but I can not, in good conscience, continue to communicate with her as long as her husband does not know, or approve of that communication. I have no problem in being open with her husband and telling my intentions and feelings about his wife, and to remain only a friend. On the other hand, I cannot be the one that would be the reason to to end a relationship, especially one that has lasted many years, has kids are involved and which they are each trying to rebuild. I would not want this to happen to me therefore I cannot wish this on anyone else.

Am I wrong?

How Do You Say What You Got To Say?

I was chatting with a long lost friend the other day and from that conversation a question came up. How many times have you seen someone in a relationship and you just know they are in a relationship that will fail? How do you tell that person, your friend, what you think about their current relationship without getting your head bashed in? Think about it. If you are in a good relationship, at least you think so, what would you think of your friends if they tell you your relationship isn't going to work out? I would be pissed, at least.

I was in that very situation many years ago with my first wife. Everybody knew I needed to get out of that relationship. Everybody else, to include my family, saw the problems but they never said anything to me, or if they did, I never heard them. When I finally realized that my relationship was all screwed up and I needed to get out of it, I quickly found out that everybody else already knew this fact. They all figured that we would split at some time and when I did, they were all glad that I came to my senses. I wondered, what kind of friends did I have?

It took me a long time to realize that first, friends really don't want to say anything bad to you. Oh, when you are just starting a relationship they may tell you she is not for you but after a relationship gets started rarely anything is said. I guess they figure you don't want to hear it or you will not listen to what they have to say. Since I appeared to be happy with the relationship at the time, they would just keep quiet. But, my friends knew me better and yes, I finally figured things out and moved on.

I did find myself on the other side of this situation several years ago. My friend was in a relationship that I just knew would not work. I saw the problems and I saw the signs of a bad relationship yet I remained quiet. Other friends knew this and we discussed this issue now and then. Like me, they didn't want to say anything because he apparently was quite happy in his then relationship.

Fast forward several years and I discover that my long lost friend had figured things out for himself and did, in fact, end that relationship. He told me that he wondered why nobody told him what they saw. That got me thinking about how I would have told him (which started this blog entry).

If someone told me that I was in a relationship that was bad, would I listen? Maybe that is why they say that love is blind. I do think true love is blind. I have been in love before, that is I had a heart burning love, and my heart has been broken. Was I blind to the issues and problems? I didn't know then and I still don't know now. But I did learn that my friends and family have an extra sense and can see through that blind love to the true issues and feelings.

Now I recently found myself on the receiving side of this issue again. I was in a long term relationship that had just deteriorated over the years. I believe I tried to put things right on a number of occasions with no positive results. Finally I said that enough is enough. When I made this decision, I told friends and family and again I was surprised. My family and many friends supported my decision and encouraged me to move forward. They said that they had seen that this was a bad relationship and they were surprised that it lasted this long.

So how do you tell a friend something they don't want to here? I don't know. Should you say something or should you remain a supportive friend regardless of your feelings? That, my friends, is the $60,000 question. I have heard many advice columnists give the same advice. They say to listen to your family and your friends because they know you best. But how can you listen when they won't talk?

Time To Get In Shape - Part 3

It has now been over a month with my new BowFlex Sport and it is time for a follow up. With 6 weeks recorded on my exercise charts I have the following results to report. I have lost about 1 1/2” from my waist and a measured total of 12 pounds lost. Yeah!

The one difficult thing about this BowFlex is that since I am not an exercise guru, I am not familiar with the exercises necessary to build a good routine. And, I am not familiar with all the muscle groups and names used by many of these exercises listing in the BowFlex manual. As I said in a previous blog posting, I was able to figure out a basic exercise routine from the BowFlex website information and I have been using that routine for a few weeks.

About three weeks ago I received the BowFlex training software. After spending a few days with it (and you need a few days to learn it) I would consider this software MANDITORY for any BowFlex owner or user. The software allows you to enter your weight, size, body measurements and anything else about fitness you want to track. Then by using a standardized evaluation fitness test the program will know your fitness level so that it can plan an exercise routine for you and watch your progress.

After setting up the software I discovered that the routine of exercises I first started with was a good place to start. Using the software to generate a complete exercise routine for me was simple and easy. After doing these exercises for a few days I discovered that some were too easy and I either increased the resistance (weight) and/or the number of reps. “No pain, no gain,” they say. After the first week I added a couple of the exercises I originally started with to my current routine and I am happy with the progress.

Now I feel more energetic every day. Three people have commented that I look like I lost weight. That’s great! My clothes are not as tight and I feel healthier. Maybe it is just a high from exercising. I think one of the important points is that I have worked my BowFlex time into my daily schedule and that will help insure that I stay with it.

The BowFlex software is very flexible. Not only will it print exercise chart for all the exercises you have scheduled for that exercise period (usually a week at a time) but it can print out full color instructions on how to setup and perform each exercise with notes to help you keep good form throughout the exercise. If your computer is handy you can view video clips of each exercise to see exactly what they are taking about. If you want a short workout one day and a longer one the next, the software can handle that. Select the approximate workout time for each day and the part of the day you wish to exercise (AM/PM) and let the BowFlex software do the rest. I sound like a salesman right? Well, I like this product!

So far I am very happy with my BowFlex. The variations of the exercises have prevented me from becoming bored (as I did with my “skiing” machine). After one month I have seen progress and there is hope for continued progress as times goes on. My goals are large and they will take a long time to achieve. I think I have a plan that may work.

I have done one important thing for this to work. I have placed my BowFlex in a location in my home where I will always see it and if I see it, I use it each morning when I get up and as I drink my morning coffee and juice. So, all the important points are 1) I am using it, 2) I have make progress to my goals, 3) I have incorporated it into my normal daily routine that will help keep my using it, and 4) it is fun!

Wish me luck!