How Do You Say What You Got To Say?
I was chatting with a long lost friend the other day and from that conversation a question came up. How many times have you seen someone in a relationship and you just know they are in a relationship that will fail? How do you tell that person, your friend, what you think about their current relationship without getting your head bashed in? Think about it. If you are in a good relationship, at least you think so, what would you think of your friends if they tell you your relationship isn't going to work out? I would be pissed, at least.
I was in that very situation many years ago with my first wife. Everybody knew I needed to get out of that relationship. Everybody else, to include my family, saw the problems but they never said anything to me, or if they did, I never heard them. When I finally realized that my relationship was all screwed up and I needed to get out of it, I quickly found out that everybody else already knew this fact. They all figured that we would split at some time and when I did, they were all glad that I came to my senses. I wondered, what kind of friends did I have?
It took me a long time to realize that first, friends really don't want to say anything bad to you. Oh, when you are just starting a relationship they may tell you she is not for you but after a relationship gets started rarely anything is said. I guess they figure you don't want to hear it or you will not listen to what they have to say. Since I appeared to be happy with the relationship at the time, they would just keep quiet. But, my friends knew me better and yes, I finally figured things out and moved on.
I did find myself on the other side of this situation several years ago. My friend was in a relationship that I just knew would not work. I saw the problems and I saw the signs of a bad relationship yet I remained quiet. Other friends knew this and we discussed this issue now and then. Like me, they didn't want to say anything because he apparently was quite happy in his then relationship.
Fast forward several years and I discover that my long lost friend had figured things out for himself and did, in fact, end that relationship. He told me that he wondered why nobody told him what they saw. That got me thinking about how I would have told him (which started this blog entry).
If someone told me that I was in a relationship that was bad, would I listen? Maybe that is why they say that love is blind. I do think true love is blind. I have been in love before, that is I had a heart burning love, and my heart has been broken. Was I blind to the issues and problems? I didn't know then and I still don't know now. But I did learn that my friends and family have an extra sense and can see through that blind love to the true issues and feelings.
Now I recently found myself on the receiving side of this issue again. I was in a long term relationship that had just deteriorated over the years. I believe I tried to put things right on a number of occasions with no positive results. Finally I said that enough is enough. When I made this decision, I told friends and family and again I was surprised. My family and many friends supported my decision and encouraged me to move forward. They said that they had seen that this was a bad relationship and they were surprised that it lasted this long.
So how do you tell a friend something they don't want to here? I don't know. Should you say something or should you remain a supportive friend regardless of your feelings? That, my friends, is the $60,000 question. I have heard many advice columnists give the same advice. They say to listen to your family and your friends because they know you best. But how can you listen when they won't talk?
I was in that very situation many years ago with my first wife. Everybody knew I needed to get out of that relationship. Everybody else, to include my family, saw the problems but they never said anything to me, or if they did, I never heard them. When I finally realized that my relationship was all screwed up and I needed to get out of it, I quickly found out that everybody else already knew this fact. They all figured that we would split at some time and when I did, they were all glad that I came to my senses. I wondered, what kind of friends did I have?
It took me a long time to realize that first, friends really don't want to say anything bad to you. Oh, when you are just starting a relationship they may tell you she is not for you but after a relationship gets started rarely anything is said. I guess they figure you don't want to hear it or you will not listen to what they have to say. Since I appeared to be happy with the relationship at the time, they would just keep quiet. But, my friends knew me better and yes, I finally figured things out and moved on.
I did find myself on the other side of this situation several years ago. My friend was in a relationship that I just knew would not work. I saw the problems and I saw the signs of a bad relationship yet I remained quiet. Other friends knew this and we discussed this issue now and then. Like me, they didn't want to say anything because he apparently was quite happy in his then relationship.
Fast forward several years and I discover that my long lost friend had figured things out for himself and did, in fact, end that relationship. He told me that he wondered why nobody told him what they saw. That got me thinking about how I would have told him (which started this blog entry).
If someone told me that I was in a relationship that was bad, would I listen? Maybe that is why they say that love is blind. I do think true love is blind. I have been in love before, that is I had a heart burning love, and my heart has been broken. Was I blind to the issues and problems? I didn't know then and I still don't know now. But I did learn that my friends and family have an extra sense and can see through that blind love to the true issues and feelings.
Now I recently found myself on the receiving side of this issue again. I was in a long term relationship that had just deteriorated over the years. I believe I tried to put things right on a number of occasions with no positive results. Finally I said that enough is enough. When I made this decision, I told friends and family and again I was surprised. My family and many friends supported my decision and encouraged me to move forward. They said that they had seen that this was a bad relationship and they were surprised that it lasted this long.
So how do you tell a friend something they don't want to here? I don't know. Should you say something or should you remain a supportive friend regardless of your feelings? That, my friends, is the $60,000 question. I have heard many advice columnists give the same advice. They say to listen to your family and your friends because they know you best. But how can you listen when they won't talk?
posted by Bob Ackerman at 6:35 PM
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