How Do You Say What You Got To Say - Part 2
After writing the first part I thought about a situation I was in a few years ago. I ran into an ex-love through the Internet and we re-established a friendly relationship. Currently, I am in a relationship that has fallen apart and it is only a matter of time before things are final (I have to sell my house because neither one can pay off the other at this time). She (my ex-love) was currently split from her husband of many years. Several years ago he had cheated on her and she kicked him out.
We restarted our friendship as we communicated with email and with a couple of visits (she lives in another state near my parents, so my periodic visits to my parents puts me in the neighborhood) and our friendship moved along. Even through we had not moved into a romantic relationship, her husband found out I was around and that she had seen me. He knew my name because I was her first love, and she mine. This put a further strain on what was left of their current relationship, especially with the kids (they were being parents, not husband and wife). He wanted her back as his wife and she really wanted the family back together. My being in the picture sparked him to change into the man and Dad she wanted for her and her kids. After a while she decided she wanted to stay with him.
Regardless that her relationship with her husband was improving, she wanted me to remain friends with her, and this is where the dilemma appeared. They are trying to rebuild their relationship but neither person trusts the other. Their relationship will take time to heal. If I remained her friend and continued to communicate with her, which is something I would like to do, and he found out about us remaining friends, this would destroy his trust in her and further damage the fragile relationship they both are trying so hard to rebuild. If I was in his shoes, and if my wife was communicating with an ex-flame even only as friends, and she was keeping it hidden from me, I would be pissed, at least. I would quickly loose what trust I had in that relationship.
So, I made this decision. I would like to remain friends but I can not, in good conscience, continue to communicate with her as long as her husband does not know, or approve of that communication. I have no problem in being open with her husband and telling my intentions and feelings about his wife, and to remain only a friend. On the other hand, I cannot be the one that would be the reason to to end a relationship, especially one that has lasted many years, has kids are involved and which they are each trying to rebuild. I would not want this to happen to me therefore I cannot wish this on anyone else.
Am I wrong?
We restarted our friendship as we communicated with email and with a couple of visits (she lives in another state near my parents, so my periodic visits to my parents puts me in the neighborhood) and our friendship moved along. Even through we had not moved into a romantic relationship, her husband found out I was around and that she had seen me. He knew my name because I was her first love, and she mine. This put a further strain on what was left of their current relationship, especially with the kids (they were being parents, not husband and wife). He wanted her back as his wife and she really wanted the family back together. My being in the picture sparked him to change into the man and Dad she wanted for her and her kids. After a while she decided she wanted to stay with him.
Regardless that her relationship with her husband was improving, she wanted me to remain friends with her, and this is where the dilemma appeared. They are trying to rebuild their relationship but neither person trusts the other. Their relationship will take time to heal. If I remained her friend and continued to communicate with her, which is something I would like to do, and he found out about us remaining friends, this would destroy his trust in her and further damage the fragile relationship they both are trying so hard to rebuild. If I was in his shoes, and if my wife was communicating with an ex-flame even only as friends, and she was keeping it hidden from me, I would be pissed, at least. I would quickly loose what trust I had in that relationship.
So, I made this decision. I would like to remain friends but I can not, in good conscience, continue to communicate with her as long as her husband does not know, or approve of that communication. I have no problem in being open with her husband and telling my intentions and feelings about his wife, and to remain only a friend. On the other hand, I cannot be the one that would be the reason to to end a relationship, especially one that has lasted many years, has kids are involved and which they are each trying to rebuild. I would not want this to happen to me therefore I cannot wish this on anyone else.
Am I wrong?
posted by Bob Ackerman at 6:58 AM
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